The 'I Wants'...

9 October 2005

Sigh...things have been more rocky since I left my Guardian post at Puchong leh. First off I totally screwed at sales and had to cabut, then waited waited waited sooooo long before I could begin working locum again at Guardian (once bitten twice still not shy). Some more kena buang to the branch at Jalan Tun Perak, you know, the one near the Masjid Jamek LRT station. And this locum job hor, need me only call me, I can (or want to) work only I work, and better still get paid by the hour...wahlao how am I gonna survive until the end of this year man if like that?

Yarlor, I rather stupid and immature lor...don't think ahead quit job, now stuck like that. Initially it's fun mah, becoz I had a job to look forward to (the doomed sales one) so could really enjoy bumming at home. But after that wahsey sit at home oso very stressful...while parents never say anything oso I myself stress myself.

Now almost every other night I cannot sleep. Why leh? The moment I think of the word, "WORK" I gone liao - immediate depression and my brain goes all kusut thinking of the perfect dream job that will satisfy all my wants (and needs if able). Yes, I now suffer from depression, although I try not to overcomplain to my frens becoz hor, you look at Marvin from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy lar, the super-depressed superrobot with the brain a size of a planet, he so depressed until everyone around him cannot tahan want to avoid him one.

Speaking of wants leh, I might as well rant it all out lar, mebbe just maybe it'll make me feel better. Or maybe I still won't be able to sleep at night. Like that la.

I WANT:

• A nine-to-five (or eight-to-five) Mon-to-Fri job that's near my house, preferably a retail pharmacy or with a multinational company (becoz I brand-conscious) that'll allow me to go to the gym for my regular cardio classes with the instructors I like and hang out with my frens during the weekend.
  
• My job to be something that I'll be HAPPY doing, not one that'll make me depressed and not want to talk to anyone like I did occasionally last time in University Hospital.
  
• People not to be so biased against my old medical history and be so chickenshit afraid that I might die and thus incur a hefty medical cost towards their company. If I'm the one dying I should be the one who's afraid, not you, and so far I'm not becoz I don't feel like I'm dying, so why are YOU afraid?
  
• My job to have familiar faces, and plenty of them. Having spent so much time around frens nowadays I forgot how to really be independant liao. What I need is a group of colleagues/frens so I can be the antisocial one.
  
• My dog back!
  
• To see everyone occasionally! I have not been able to keep up with a lot of people and when I don't I tend to forget about them!
  
• To stay out on my own, somewhere here in Damansara or Taman Tun because it's near everywhere and has no traffic like jampacked-crazy KL, while far enough that my mum cannot visit too often becoz she'll want to clean the place and mess up the way I keep things.
  
• Money not to ever be an issue in my life, where I can live comfortably with what I earn and still not want nor lack.
  
• To remain immature as long as I can in life without it causing disruption (like my life now).
  
• To put on some weight, but not all at the tummy.
  
• To dedicate a room when I stay on my own to be my personal library. There'll be shelves for my books plus reading sofas and stand lights from Ikea.
  
• The entire collection of Terry Pratchett in my personal library, paperback and hardback, with the UK covers displaying artwork by Josh Kirby or Paul Kidby.
  
• Soundtracks and songs I like! Got plenty one. Mostly choir-choir kind one. Also CD singles/albums of songs I like!
  
• A 40GB Ipod to carry all these songs. I checked liao, now my collection nearly reaching some 8GB liao. So 40GB can tahan longer.
  
• A Citroen, becoz in reality ppl say Citroen got no resale value so when I get my own car it has to be some other make like Honda or Toyota but I still like a Citroen. Model dunno yet.
  
• To not suffer from depression ever again.
  
• To be able to travel to anywhere in the world whenever I feel like it instead of revisiting Memory Lane.
  
• To not worry about the future and be able to put all my trust and faith in God that He will provide.
  
• That significant other.
  
• To stop being jeles of what other people have or do (you see la, everything about me is green one).

However, if you ever asked if I wanted to change my past, I'll definitely say, "No. Everything that I have ever experienced has led to my life as it is now! I love what I have now, the friends I have now and if things were different I wouldn't have ALL THIS and I'd probably be worse off!" Really. Admittedly lah got bits that I regret la in my past but considering that it got me to where I am today I'm happy la. I can be soppy enuff to say, I love you guys, thanks for all you gave me in your own special way.