Of Anxiety, A New Company, Anxiety, Products And Anxiety...

9 August 2005

WHOA! Have started me new job and the first thing I can say about it is...it caused me no ends of anxiety! Not a good thing to say as it does no one any credit. Better still is that that during my first (and only) anxiety-filled week I could not think of any reason for me to feel so! More on it later.

First week was as expected: product training. Ferriprox reminded me of being in an IMU lecture, while others were much more simpler. Detailing aids made things much more simple, to-the-point and quick. Da boss (my team leader) was nice: he kept telling me about how things work, what to expect, things I need to know. Me, I have no heart to tell him that I have a poor memory and would probably forget most of what he told me, although I may have a rough idea of the gist of it (hmm...I wonder if that last bit makes sense).

Now for the first week lunch was provided for as well, with da boss bringing me out with some of the other colleagues, although I guess that they are higher up the ladder than my peers. First thing I ever find out about them is that they are BIG EATERS! Now, I may find that my apetite may have grown (I always put this down to the gym classes) but my main meal is still dinner. These guys ordered lunch as if it was dinner itself. And a heavy meal, followed by more product training aka lectures in the afternoon, whatmore having had to wake up early when one has been waking up long after sun-up...I started brewing my own tea and keeping it close at hand. Supposedly it was a way for me to know my colleagues, but having lunched on my own for months in Guardian (and before that it was lunch with fellow IMU-ians) the only way I lunch well with people is mostly talking shop.

Now, back to the matter of anxiety: night before first day, no problem. Just worried about not getting enough sleep so knocked myself out with Fedac. First day, taking things in and slightly nervous. Normal I should guess. Yet halfway through the day this nagging feeling starts creeping up on me: "What am I doing here? I wish I was back in Guardian! What have I got myself into?!" Now, the last time this kinda feeling ever got to me was when I was in A-Levels, when the exams were near. I guess there are others out there whom did question themselves one time or another if they were going down the correct road in life, but I don't know what they decided nor what was the outcome. However, when in A-Levels I went through the brief period of deciding if I should stay in A-Levels or back out and do SAM or something else, I chose to stick to A-Levels. And after the 1st term things got better and hey, I got through!

Anyways. That bit of anxiety only lasted a couple of days. This time it got progressively worse throughout the entire week, with me not being able to sleep enough on Thursday night! While with friends I could share with them regarding how I felt but anxiety only hits hard at night. I actually did think of leaving and going back to Guardian, but hey, I'm not giving the job a chance! I'll be stating that I can't handle stress and I give up easily, and that would reflect badly on me. I reasoned that I should stay on until I get out on the field, then see if the anxiety's still there (also have been telling myself if I could get through A-Levels lets apply the same here).

This week, am following me colleagues out on the field and watching them work. Anxiety doesn't keep me awake nights, but the ole' Sunday Blues have returned (with free add-on Wake-Up Early Blues!). Am playing Faure's In Paradisum either in my head or on me players in endless repeats. And have come to a theory to the anxiety: there's no one that I know or is around my age! In UH I had the IMU gang and in Guardian I was in contact with IMU-ians both from my batch, junior housemens and seniors. I do suspect that this isn't just the only factor but it's something I can associate my anxiety to.

Such a shame that I'd let the anxiety spoil what would have been an interesting new experience.